The side that no one likes to talk about. The side that tells me I will never sleep again. The side that makes me think I will never be my old self again. I will never have time to read books ever again or play bingo with my friends. Will I ever get back to this blog regularly? I hope so. I haven't finished a single book all summer and I've been reading Something in the Water since the beginning of June. Hopefully, I can at least finish that book and post on the blog about it.
The ugly side has give me a love/hate relationship with my baby. It makes me wonder how I will ever survive going back to work in August when Eme still wakes up every one and a half to two hours to eat. That ugly side of motherhood makes me feel like a failure because motherhood hasn't been effortless for me. I have some weight to lose. I'm still wearing my maternity clothes and my regular skinny jeans don't fit. I have purple stretch marks all over my belly and I wonder if they'll ever fade. That ugly side makes me feel guilty because I can't wait to go back to work. I can't wait to get back to a regular life. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not.
But then she wakes up in the morning, I see her smile and it makes me so glad that I have her in my life. I see her grow and get stronger more and more every day and think, "How did I make such a beautiful, tiny person?" I may not be happy with how my body looks at this moment, but it has done something pretty amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I've come to understand that everything is going to take time and for some things, a little extra time. Eme will learn to sleep through the night eventually and she will start eating solids soon. Then she'll learn to crawl and move around on her own. Then she'll learn to talk and by then, I probably won't even remember what life was like without her!
But for now, motherhood is hard. Eme and I are getting through it together and I know it will all be worth it in the end.
Thank you for your honest post! Even my own sister didn't tell me things like this. It was more like, as my niece gets older, she'll tell me things she's finally getting to do again, like read!
ReplyDeleteAwww I don't think what you're feeling is unusual. I don't have a kid but I imagine that it takes awhile to get into a new rhythm. You'll figure it out. Your body is amazing. It made a person! I think women need to be a little easier on themselves sometimes. Everyone is different and you just have to go at your own pace. I can't wait to meet your baby one day soon.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot people don't tell you. I had a nearly impossible time breastfeeding. we were constantly at lactation consultants. She was on the bottle and not wanting the breast. I had a nipple shield, was pumping every 3 hours, engorged and in pain. I was still recovering from the birth too. I was deliriously tired and my husband kept encouraging me to breast feed and walk. I didn't want to walk. I wanted to lay down and close my eyes. I was afraid I had made a mistake. We weren't adults, not really. How did the hospital let me go home with a baby!? But then time passes and the cloud lifts and you feel better and she gets bigger and you learn not to worry so much. It doesn't last forever, because if it did, NO ONE WOULD HAVE KIDS, let alone more than one! :) And then, your body makes you forget and you want to do it all over again!! It's totally normal and okay.I hope you're in a mommy group. My mommy group saved me. I remember being stuck in my car, not sure how to get the car seat out, and crying because I was missing a lactation meeting. Find other moms in the same area with kids at the same age. It changed my life.
ReplyDeleteLove you